I'm not autistic...or am I?
Hi friends! In honor of me having finally found a therapist who specializes in autism and ADHD, I thought I’d write a list of some of the Extremely Autistic things about me that, for 40+ years, I assumed were just weird little quirks I had. Turns out they’re weird little quirks I have BECAUSE I’M AUTISTIC. (And very possibly ADHD as well—stay tuned to this channel for updates as events warrant.)
I’m not autistic. I just frequently cry because my clothes are touching me.
I’m not autistic. In stressful situations I just forget the basic words for things and have to use five syllable words I read once in a book instead.
I’m not autistic, I just could never figure out how to interact with other kids. When I did and said the exact things they were doing and saying they made fun of me. But when I did my own thing (reading in the school cafeteria line, singing, daydreaming/dissociating) they also made fun of me.
I’m not autistic, I just gag if an onion gets anywhere near my mouth.
I’m not autistic, it’s just that fluorescent lights make me exhausted.
I’m not autistic, I just naturally always found a “helper” friend who I could ask questions about social behavior.
I’m not autistic, I just need to always be touching my face or hair in order to keep myself calm.
I’m not autistic, I just need several days to recover from a social event.
I’m not autistic, I just have some days/weeks/semesters when I can function extremely well, and others when I inexplicably can’t. I always got really good grades except for when I didn’t, and I was trying equally hard at those times.
I’m not autistic. I don’t have trouble making eye contact. Unless someone is talking at me without giving me space to speak, then it feels like physical pain to keep looking them in the eye.
I’m not autistic, I just have trouble concentrating on what you’re saying because your shirt has a pretty pattern.
I’m not autistic, I just get SO happy and excited about things I love, even when it’s not cool.
I’m not autistic, I just believed everyone in the evangelical church when they said to follow Jesus’ teachings, and didn’t understand why they got mad at me when I tried to actually do it.
I’m not autistic, I just see toxic patterns for what they are, but the people in the toxic systems get mad at *me* for pointing them out.
I’m not autistic, I just tried so damn hard to make myself fit in places that I couldn’t till I experienced burnout so profound that I barely got out of bed for months.
Actually, okay, yes, I am autistic, and I’m celebrating the ways I’ve learned to survive and sometimes even thrive in a world that didn’t offer me the supports I needed.
I’m autistic, and I’m grieving the ways life has been so much harder because of it, and the ways that it didn’t have to be so hard.
I’m autistic, and I’m hopeful that knowing that about myself will let me create an even better life, for myself and for others.
I’m autistic, and if you are, too, I’m so glad you’re you. Even if you’re still figuring it out, yourself.
With love and hope,
Jessica