Love is an IKEA dresser
My pants drawer is broken and it makes me happy. It’s still functional, but I just have to remember to pull it out from the left side instead of the right. If I forget, it comes apart, but it’s easy to push back together. You’d be surprised how often I forget. I’m surprised how often I forget. I have a master’s degree, after all, but somehow learning a simple rule like “pull that drawer out from the left” is too challenging? But here we are.
Anyway, the slightly broken pants drawer makes me happy because I bought the dresser, or its component parts, a few years ago while I was living alone. I had hip and knee problems at the time, but the year before I’d put together an exercise bike by myself, so I figured I could tackle a dresser. But as I sat on the floor pulling out what seemed like infinite pieces of wood panels I realized I was out of my depth.
I’ve been learning about something called autistic regression, which means that during periods of stress and burnout, autistic folks may temporarily lose skills they already had. This explains so much about my life, honestly. I was a high-achiever maybe 75% of the time, and then there were those semesters where I just couldn’t get the information from the books to lodge into my brain. My brain that had gotten me A’s the previous few semesters without breaking a sweat. But that term? Nope, wasn’t working.
I’m going through a period like that now. Physically, I’m dealing with more intense POTS symptoms than I’ve had in the past, which means that I’m not able to nanny right now. But my other work — writing, editing, and social media management — you would think that would be great to do curled up on my couch. But my brain is struggling right now, too. Things I previously felt confidently skilled at now feel overwhelming and impossible. I’m trying to give myself grace and rest, and not panic too much about how the bills are going to be paid if I can’t get it together. Panic is the opposite of helpful in this situation.
But back to that dresser drawer. When I realized I was defeated by the IKEA Malm six drawer dresser, I sent out an SOS call to my friends. And two of the best people in the world, Ivy and Claudia, came over and assembled it for me. Can you believe it? I lay in bed and fed them snacks while they worked. They worked HARD. It took, I think, more than two hours. And I remember when Ivy realized she’d done something wrong on that drawer and was frustrated about it. But, Ivy, can’t you see that it IS perfect this way?
Now, every morning when I reach for a pair of pants, I remember — I’m not in this alone. My people have got me. And that helps me remember, too, that I have them, that I’m also a part of the community and have something important to contribute. And the panic slackens its grip, just a little bit.
With love and hope,
Jessica