The world shifts
Hello, friends! How is everyone doing? Here, I’ve been almost wholly focused on health stuff and all the minutiae that entails, with a small side of writing and an even smaller side of trying to catch up on silly things like dishes and laundry.
I’m also still deep in existential processing about the fact that I’ve had multiple disabilities my whole life without really realizing it. That is, I knew I was struggling, but the words and tools I had at the time were far from the full picture. Now that the picture is being fleshed out a bit more, I’ve been reflecting on my past and what was actually going on with things were hard.
Lately I’ve been particularly curious about whether, after literally writing two books on depression, I was ever actually depressed. At the time it was the best diagnosis I had, but even then some things didn’t fit, like how therapy was never very helpful, and antidepressants never seemed to work, and how I never had a major depressive episode after 2009. Now that I realize that I am autistic, and have POTS (diagnosis pending), and probably ADHD (diagnosis pending), and probably a hypermobility disorder (which I haven’t even started figuring out how to get a diagnosis for), and all of this on top of the almost daily migraines that I knew about, I wonder if the periodic crashes I experienced were actually mental and physical burnout.
Maybe it’s not a question that’s not actually answerable, and all that this wondering can do is help me know what to do going forward. But I can’t help but think about all the times in my life that could have gone differently if anyone had known what I am just now learning. Maybe I could have had an IEP to help me in school, or accomodations when things got too overwhelming at work. Maybe professors and supervisors would have been a bit kinder if they knew. Or maybe not. Who knows?
I don’t want to dwell on the past, but it’s just a big mental shift. Like, have you ever been driving somewhere and not known where you were exactly, but then you recognize a landmark and your brain sort of reorients your surroundings to fit your concept of where you are in space? To me it feels like the whole world shifts, like a giant hand lifts the lego-landscape and rotates it around my car. That’s how this experience of later-in-life diagnoses feels. I had a vague impression that I was heading east, but it turns out I’m actually going north-west. I recognize those trees, that fire station, but they’re not where they should be. They’re not where I always thought they were.
But, as I always remind myself, I would not be where I am now if I hadn’t had the experiences I did. Maybe I would still have written books, but they wouldn’t be the ones I wrote, not exactly. Maybe I would be in a great relationship, but it wouldn’t be with the person I’m with now. And I like him. :)
I share all of this, partly because it helps me to write about it, but also because I know my experience is not unique. A lot of us are learning things about ourselves in our 30s, 40s, 50s, and beyond, that we never knew before. And some of these things reorient the earth, in mind-boggling ways, and in very practical ways. If this is you, you’re not alone. I hope you’re finding the resources you need to answer your questions, and I’m sorry those resources weren’t there before when you needed them.
And, also: I think my Long Night books were good. Even if I wasn’t clinically depressed, it was close enough that I was able to write about my experiences in a way that resonated. We’re all just doing our best to tell our own stories, and to listen to each other’s. Don’t be afraid to tell yours, even if you don’t yet know what it all means. Sometimes the meaning only comes in the telling.
With love and hope,
Jessica
P.S. Just a gentle request that you not give me any advice about the health things I’ve shared. I know it would be well-meant, but even if it’s presented kindly it ends up making me feel like I have to explain myself or that I have some obligation to follow that advice even if I don’t think it’s right for me. But what I am totally down for is hearing your stories. Thanks for understanding. <3