What's lost and what's found
A New Year's reflection
Hi friends. Like many of you, I’ve been reflecting on this past year as it draws to an end. This quote from Frederick Buechner’s novel Godric has been on my mind:
“What’s lost is nothing to what’s found, and all the death that ever was, set next to life, would scarcely fill a cup.”
―Frederick Buechner
(Godric is such an odd novel. I’m not quite sure I get it, but as a writer, I love that Buechner wrote the story he wanted to write, as weird as it was. And it’s one of those books that’s worth reading just to get to this line. Like Orual’s realization in Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis, “How can we meet [the gods] face to face till we have faces?”)
I’ve been thinking about what I’ve lost this year. I think most of us experienced loss in 2025, personal, political, relational. But there were things that were found, too. Things that we gained. Steps forward for all the steps back. Here’s a brief, non-exhaustive list of mine.
Things I lost in 2025:
-Two nanny jobs
-My confidence in my ability to nanny
-My hope that getting in better cardiovascular shape would solve the fatigue and dizziness
Things I gained in 2025:
-Three diagnoses (still in process, but looking like ADHD, POTS, and Ehlers-Danlos, in addition to autism and chronic migraines)
-I did get in better cardiovascular shape
-Another year with my slow-burn friends-to-lovers boyfriend *heart emoji*
Things that stayed the same:
-Support from friends, family, and amazing readers
-My fierce determination and stubborn hope that I can make a good life for myself despite all the health stuff
-My commitment to writing and using my words to help others
The thing that looms largest for me is, understandably, the health stuff and that it limits my ability to work as a nanny. Nannying has been my go-to part time job my whole life, through college, grad school, my attempts to go into ministry, and now as a wonderful balance to my work as a writer. It’s work that’s pretty much always available and pays pretty well. But now, with a better understanding of what’s going on with me health-wise, I’ve had to take a break from looking for a new part time job as I assess what I can and can’t do.
It’s really sad to think this work might not be a part of my life anymore. And, more pressing, it’s a lot harder to pay my rent without nannying’s regular paycheck. I came close to being able to pay the bills with my writing in 2020-2022, but, as I’ve griped about before, the algorithm has not been on the side of authors and other creatives for the past few years. Still, I persevere.
I have a goal, a dream, of earning a living through book sales and my writing here on Substack. Three hundred paid subscriptions here, and 300 books sold per month would do it. I have five books already out there, and I’ve been writing steadily away here for two years now. It could happen, right? Let’s say it will. Let’s call it manifesting.
(I’m currently trying to harness the wind/algorithm over on TikTok to sell some books — if any of you are on there, could you follow me?)
Some things we have gained, and some things lost. Next year, we will lose some things again, and gain some more. Whatever happens, I’m grateful to be here with such folks as you, and grateful for every like and comment. It’s already a dream come true to have eyes on my words, and to know that they mean something to you. Grateful, grateful, grateful.
Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when publishedPeace to the things you left undone
the book abandoned, scarf half-knit
The call you meant to make
the friendship never rekindled
The time you did your hair
& then stayed home
Peace to things
that made no difference
in the end
& those
that may have
Peace to the never knowing
from 365 Days of Peace (currently half off!)